Why Can't I Change?
What the Bible Says About Breaking Free From the Same Old Struggles
Most of us have at least one thing we wish we could change about ourselves. Maybe it's your temper, your insecurity, your spending habits, or a temptation you keep giving in to. You've made promises, set boundaries, downloaded the app, and tried harder. And for a while, it works. Then it doesn't. If that sounds familiar, you're in good company. The Apostle Paul described the exact same experience, and what he discovered changes everything.
Paul's Honest Confession: Even the Most Devoted People Struggle
In Romans chapter 7, Paul writes one of the most relatable passages in all of Scripture. He says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15
This is Paul. The Pharisee of Pharisees. The man who was at the top of his class in religious devotion. The man who was literally writing what would become the Bible. And he says he cannot do what he wants to do.
If Paul, with all of his discipline, knowledge, and devotion, struggled with this gap between who he wanted to be and who he actually was, then you are not alone in your struggle either.
This is Paul. The Pharisee of Pharisees. The man who was at the top of his class in religious devotion. The man who was literally writing what would become the Bible. And he says he cannot do what he wants to do.
If Paul, with all of his discipline, knowledge, and devotion, struggled with this gap between who he wanted to be and who he actually was, then you are not alone in your struggle either.
Why Wanting to Change Is Not Enough
Here is where most of us get stuck. We assume that if we want to change badly enough, we will. We think that if we just know what is right, we will do what is right. But Paul makes it clear that the problem is not a lack of desire or information.
He writes, "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing." - Romans 7:18-19
The desire is there. The knowledge is there. And yet the struggle remains. Wanting to change is simply not the same as being able to change yourself.
He writes, "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing." - Romans 7:18-19
The desire is there. The knowledge is there. And yet the struggle remains. Wanting to change is simply not the same as being able to change yourself.
Why Trying Harder Does Not Work
We love strategies. We make plans, set boundaries, remove temptations, and come up with acronyms to help us make better decisions. These things are not bad. But they all share one common problem.
You are still you.
No matter how good the strategy is, you bring yourself into every situation. Your issues, your wounds, your sin patterns move with you. You can change your environment, your job, your city, even your relationships. But you cannot change your own heart through willpower alone.
Jesus addressed this directly. He said it is not what goes into a person that makes them unclean, but what comes out. "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." - Matthew 12:34. The real problem is not the behavior on the surface. The real problem is what is happening underneath.
You are still you.
No matter how good the strategy is, you bring yourself into every situation. Your issues, your wounds, your sin patterns move with you. You can change your environment, your job, your city, even your relationships. But you cannot change your own heart through willpower alone.
Jesus addressed this directly. He said it is not what goes into a person that makes them unclean, but what comes out. "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." - Matthew 12:34. The real problem is not the behavior on the surface. The real problem is what is happening underneath.
What Is Really Underneath Your Struggle?
This is where the hard and honest work begins. Most of us are treating symptoms rather than the actual disease.
You can manage behavior for a while. But you cannot be transformed by simply changing what you do on the outside. Behavior modification treats the symptom. Real change requires going deeper.
- Anger is often smoke. The fire underneath is frequently pride, the deep need to be right and to be seen as right.
- People pleasing is often not just about wanting to be liked. Underneath it is frequently a wound that says your value is determined by whether others approve of you.
- Lust is often rooted in loneliness.
- Control is often rooted in fear.
You can manage behavior for a while. But you cannot be transformed by simply changing what you do on the outside. Behavior modification treats the symptom. Real change requires going deeper.
The Moment Paul Stopped Looking for the Answer Inside Himself
After laying out his struggle honestly, Paul reaches a conclusion that is both humbling and freeing. He writes, "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?" - Romans 7:24
Notice what he does not say. He does not ask what strategy will save him. He does not ask what book or technique or system will fix him. He asks who will rescue him.
And then he answers his own question. "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" - Romans 7:25
Real change begins when you stop making yourself the solution. If you are the problem, you cannot also be the answer.
Notice what he does not say. He does not ask what strategy will save him. He does not ask what book or technique or system will fix him. He asks who will rescue him.
And then he answers his own question. "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" - Romans 7:25
Real change begins when you stop making yourself the solution. If you are the problem, you cannot also be the answer.
Christianity Is Not Self-Improvement With Jesus Added On
A lot of people think the Christian life works like this: Jesus saves you, and then you go fix yourself. You are forgiven, so now you need to work on becoming a better version of you.
But that is not what the gospel says. The gospel says you do not need a better version of yourself. You need a new self entirely. Paul calls this being a new creation. Jesus calls it dying to yourself and being made new.
Jesus said in John 15, "Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5. His instruction was not to try harder. It was to remain connected to Him. To abide in Him. The goal is not self-improvement through discipline. The goal is transformation through dependence.
But that is not what the gospel says. The gospel says you do not need a better version of yourself. You need a new self entirely. Paul calls this being a new creation. Jesus calls it dying to yourself and being made new.
Jesus said in John 15, "Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5. His instruction was not to try harder. It was to remain connected to Him. To abide in Him. The goal is not self-improvement through discipline. The goal is transformation through dependence.
Grace Frees You From Condemnation, Not Just From Consequences
After everything Paul confesses about his own wretchedness, he makes one of the most stunning turns in all of Scripture. He writes, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." - Romans 8:1
No condemnation. Not reduced condemnation. Not condemnation once you get your act together. No condemnation, right now, for those who are in Christ.
One of the biggest things that keeps people stuck is shame. Shame says, if people knew what I had done, they would not want to be around me. Shame says, I failed, therefore I am a failure. And shame keeps you silent and isolated, which is exactly where the struggle grows strongest.
But the gospel does not say go hide. It says come back. No matter how long it has been. No matter how bad the sin. Come back. God already knows everything, and He is still saying come home.
No condemnation. Not reduced condemnation. Not condemnation once you get your act together. No condemnation, right now, for those who are in Christ.
One of the biggest things that keeps people stuck is shame. Shame says, if people knew what I had done, they would not want to be around me. Shame says, I failed, therefore I am a failure. And shame keeps you silent and isolated, which is exactly where the struggle grows strongest.
But the gospel does not say go hide. It says come back. No matter how long it has been. No matter how bad the sin. Come back. God already knows everything, and He is still saying come home.
Slow Transformation Is Still Transformation
Some people experience dramatic overnight change. Those stories are real and worth celebrating. But most transformation is slow. It happens over months and years, not in a single moment.
Do not confuse slow transformation with no transformation. God is working on you. This is a lifelong process, not a microwave moment.
Do not confuse slow transformation with no transformation. God is working on you. This is a lifelong process, not a microwave moment.
What This Actually Looks Like in Practice
Depending on Jesus is not passive. It is active and ongoing. Here is what it looks like in real life:
When the struggle comes up, the response is not "I need to do better." It is, "Lord, show me what is really going on in me right now, and give me strength to respond the way you would have me respond."
The Core Truth:
You Don't Change by Trying Harder.
You change by depending more on Jesus.
Not because that is a simple Sunday school answer, but because He is the only one who can actually get to the root of the problem. He is the only one who can make you new from the inside out. He is the one Paul points to when he asks who will rescue me.
The answer has always been a person, not a plan.
- Name the actual thing you want to change. Not just "I need to be better." What specifically is the struggle?
- Ask what is underneath that behavior. What is the real fear, wound, or belief driving it
- Stop fighting alone. Jesus is the one who rescues. Invite Him into the moment when the temptation or struggle rises up.
- Stay in conversation with God throughout the day. Do not treat prayer like a formal meeting with a hard stop. Keep the conversation going. Do not say amen and walk away. Stay connected.
- Read Scripture not as a rulebook to follow but as a way to grow closer to the person who transforms you.
When the struggle comes up, the response is not "I need to do better." It is, "Lord, show me what is really going on in me right now, and give me strength to respond the way you would have me respond."
The Core Truth:
You Don't Change by Trying Harder.
You change by depending more on Jesus.
Not because that is a simple Sunday school answer, but because He is the only one who can actually get to the root of the problem. He is the only one who can make you new from the inside out. He is the one Paul points to when he asks who will rescue me.
The answer has always been a person, not a plan.
Life Application
This week, instead of making another promise to try harder, try this instead. Identify the one struggle you keep returning to. Then go one level deeper and ask yourself what is really underneath it. What fear, wound, or belief is actually driving that behavior?
Then bring it to Jesus honestly. Not with a plan to fix it yourself, but with an open hand and a request for Him to do what only He can do. Stay in that conversation with Him throughout the week, not just in a single prayer, but moment by moment as the struggle surfaces.
Ask yourself these questions as you reflect:
Real change is possible. But it does not come from trying harder. It comes from depending more on the one who said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5
Then bring it to Jesus honestly. Not with a plan to fix it yourself, but with an open hand and a request for Him to do what only He can do. Stay in that conversation with Him throughout the week, not just in a single prayer, but moment by moment as the struggle surfaces.
Ask yourself these questions as you reflect:
- What is the one thing I keep trying to change on my own, and how has that approach been working?
- What do I think is really underneath that behavior or struggle at a deeper level?
- Am I treating Jesus as someone who saved me and then left me to fix myself, or am I actively depending on Him for transformation?
- Is there shame keeping me isolated in my struggle, and is there someone I trust enough to let in?
Real change is possible. But it does not come from trying harder. It comes from depending more on the one who said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5
Posted in When Life Doesn\\\'t Make Sense
3 Comments
I think someone needs to say that these sermons of biblical counsel from the pulpit have been above average, a gift. The sacrifice and intention put forth in preparing these messages that go far beyond the duties of pastoral care. The level of servant leadership. Speaking volumes about the character of our Shepherds, Church, community. The way the Word, worship, and Holy Spirit tickles the inmost soul. Getting to the heart of healing in a way that is not often given for me, has been beautifully hard, honest, unexpected, revealing and healing. I just don't take this for granted because absorbing this on Sunday followed by acting on it in detail within Beyond Sunday devotionals are absolutely praiseworthy. Do others know how uncommon and often costly to seek this type of counseling can be. Ive been sharing all of this all over the place with people and the feedback should be shared. Genuinely, thank you.
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nIt is hard to look at why can't I change my low self-esteem. Always looking for approval, praise and agreement of people to feel valuable and needed and to have purpose. It smokes ugly lack of confidence to speak up and talk and leads to isolating depression. I'm old enough to know I can't be a servant and in purpose if I am seeking the endorsement of man. Paul in Galatians 1:1 " For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. On my own, I will attempt to never get true salvation being found in Christ alone. Evidently my small forgetful brain again seeks reminders to abide and remain in Jesus Christ. I revisit His character and my identity in Him. It makes me think I sure hope I meet my Savior, hopefully soon.
The thing is being unloved because it wasn't enough to give him my heart as he still chose death and the smoke is when I choose to numb and sit in fear of never finding anything as real again.
nfor King County (burn the ships) So long to shame, walk through the sorrow. Out of the fire, into tomorrow. So flush the pills, face the fear, feel the wave disappear. We're comin' clean, we're born again. Our hopeful lungs can breathe again. Oh we can breathe again
King Jesus, You speak and I'm still. Thank you for for the grace to hold the cross as a child full of mistakes, distractions and sin. Undeserving, please keep me attatched, abiding, teachable, repenting, corrected. The overflow of my heart to whisper Your name when the ugly creeps in, the restraint to let You handle the messes, the thousand small ways You keep choosing to call us back. Hmmmm.....( not Amen, I'll be back)
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nHonestly, how do we observe all types of people humbly rip open their chests baring raw sin without holding back? It hits lately. There is no condemnation. Really...none? Incomprehensible. This crazy, limitless grace that HE extends. Yet, so hard this week to drink from the fire house.... Soooo real all of you, grateful. This reckless abandon, not holding back. Seriously shouldn't everything we sing, say and do point to You, Jesus? My sinful scrappy struggles of holding my people so tight and settling for less than Christ's definition of love. The fire of scarcity and ruminates with hostility and withholding the things that only belong to You. Ugghhhh...eats my soul. Somewhere along the way it got muddy and I don't pretend to even know how to unwind it but seeing God Almighty with unchanging charachter and as non-condeming sure resonates with HOPE. Abide, the only remedy. I think I will just stick to You instead, forgive me of trying to selfishly fix. Repeat of The Paul, "Thanks be to God!" Repeat of The Pastor "Come on back, come home!". Two-run shot? Colossians 3: 8-10 "But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth". 9 "Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices". 10 "and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator".